Saturday, December 31, 2011

Blessed Day

On this day, the last day of the year, I remember the one two years ago. On December 31, 2009, we found out that the baby I was carrying was in fact a girl.
In the instant that I heard those words, "It's a Girl," I felt more connected and even more blessed. The planning and decorating started on that day. I obsessively looked online for nursery inspiration as now, I could narrow down my searches to PINK instead of blue. On that day, I felt that I could finally be excited (though I continued to stay a bit nervous, it's my nature). This was our little girl and in about 5 months, I would hold her in my arms.

We went through a lot to finally get to that blessed day. So many tests, needle pokes, exams, a painful dye test, pills, injections, surgery, and six Intrauterine Inseminations (IUI's). But I never, to my knowledge, lost a baby. I was worried that I would, but Gwen stayed with me. My first pregnancy. My first child.

Today, on the last day of the year 2011, I experienced losing a baby. Again. I lost a baby the day before Thanksgiving just last month. Periods were very painful for me when I was high school age. They had gotten better but it was a pain I will never forget. Last month, I announced to my husband, Andy, that another baby was on its way. My levels were low, but on track according to my calculation in comparison to my first pregnancy. Needlesstosay, we were excited. Two days later, I felt cramps that I hadn't since high school.

Those cramps returned today.

Unlike last month, I did not have the positive home pregnancy tests. I did not have the positive blood test assuring me that I was in fact pregnant. But I know I was. The symptoms were a perfect reflection of last month. And the pain now that they're gone is exactly, exactly the same.

I pray for fertility, for the ability to hold onto a pregnancy full term. I pray for the experience of being pregnant again as I never felt more healthy, happy, and beautiful as I did when I carried Gwen. She is my little miracle - God's most perfect gift to me. I don't know how my heart would have room to love another child as much as Gwen but I know it's capable, because I love the two that I have lost. So much.

I wasn't sure why I felt compelled to start a blog. That was yesterday. On this day, I know it was because God knew this was coming. And He know that writing down my thoughts would be therapeutic.

His timing for blessing us with Gwen was perfect. His timing for the next, if we are so blessed again, will be perfect. I know that. But I can't help but cry.

Friday, December 30, 2011

I'm New Here!

Never had much interest in blogging. Wouldn't know where to begin. But for some reason, today was different. I recently have been overwhelmed with creative impulses, yet no time to act on them. But I'm thinking this blog will be a creative outlet, where I can post some pics of my little darling as well as my future projects. New Year's Resolution #1: DO! A year from now, I don't want to wish I had started today.

Starting off right, with a photo shoot with my sweet daughter, Gwen (just turned 19 months old). I have a bit of love for babyGap...

Now, I must brag. I check out our local used children's clothing stores from time to time in search for the diamond in the rough. Well yesterday, I found a gem! A 2T babyGap denim jacket. This momma couldn't be more thrilled - with coupon... $6!! Oh, the possibilities...